Redneck Horoscopes
OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds
of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!
CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something
of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing
with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and
this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become
so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't
work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around
the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS
June 22- July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish
should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should
think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese
or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have
all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who
know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is
much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you
are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry
anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you
feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're
not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo,
but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
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Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
The Football Exam
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Rednecks in the Graveyard
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
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